Letter from the Apologetic African

I am so sorry Ma’am, so sorry Sir, for offending you. This wretched madness of ingratitude at your benevolence  is not typical of the 1.111 billion people I represent. Before we go any further, allow me to smooth out my accent for your convenience and roll my nonexistent rrrrrr properly. I really have to prractice these nasal intonations, and make sure that next time, I have the puuurrfect “ered” in my “othered”.Yes, it is English that I am speaking to you now, don’t you understand…what did you just say? Please repeat yourself…what? (Blank stare)…Wow, you really have a thick mid-western accent, I can’t understand you. Please refine it for my poor Krio tuned ears.
Oh no, did I just upset you again? Let me make it up to you by laughing along hysterically to your Ebola jokes. After all, it’s just a bunch of Africans who have allowed their chronically haptic culture to let this African sounding sickness spread(Oh sure,I can pronounce it correctly by default of being African,I’ll teach you how to pronounce it too) . Due to their backward ways and animal like mannerisms (I mean eating dried bush meat right?! Deer is after all gourmet and civilized food), these black bodies continue to perish, by virtue of their (wrong) nationalities. And Ebola has now hit New York and Dallas you say? Oh my, I agree with you-that is very very scary! My family in Freetown, prays for our safety in  Ohio, every day.Yes ,please put off that “Africa” trip you have been planning for several years. Where was it you wanted to go to again? Kenya? Oh, I do not advice. A sneeze from Freetown reaches next door Nairobi in 2 seconds, nowhere in Africa is safe at this time.
Oh nooo, of course I am not offended! Africans are not supposed to be offended at ignorance in Australia, U.K, America,Germany,or anywhere for that matter. I mean, considering how much monetary sacrifice, (tax payers’ money,exactly!) has been poured into the bellies of poor hungry African babies, through the esophagi of our esteemed politicians and leaders, how dare I complain? I shall grin foolishly in the face of condescension and paternalism, my days of being too sensitive, are gladly over- won’t you congratulate me for that?I know ,life is so much easier to handle when we avoid talking  about the realities. Being angry is not synonymous with being African-that is too threatening, dangerous even, and uncharacteristic of the perpetually smiling, kumbaya singing and inspirational – storied African. In fact, what should I be angry about? It’s usually all in good fun, and I have to assimilate…assimilation is a necessary part of survival.
Oh dear, I have really made you uncomfortable I see. Let me emphasize  that I meant no harm. I shall bow my head in shame for my unreasonable behavior .After all, it’s all usually in good fun right?


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